Things Barley has eaten lately

601235_10153611520170521_1115143903_nBarley – he looks so cute, and – to all my single ladies, gents and others out there – BEST WINGMAN EVER (£50 a day on loan to you my friend).

However he is a Gannet – you know those photographs of washed up seabirds, in their decay their stomach fulls of bits and bobs – spewing forth onto the beach and mingling with the sand, bone and feathers.

– that will be Barley one day.

Though I assume he has ingested far, far, far more than I have noticed, here are things I have observed he has chewed or outright munched of late:

  • Earplugs
  • Whole Mouse (threw it up on the porch)
  • Whole dead squab pigeon – where did he get it?
  • The crotch out of my pants (tasty?) (not with me in them  – stop thinking about that you sicko)
  • Dead rat in the park (took it off him in case it had been poisoned)
  • A run over and desiccated badgers foot (totally let him eat that – am I a bad person?)
  • Condoms – numerous (don’t look at me – I don’t have that thrilling a sex life – obviously Barley gives great head / has a boyfriend that doesn’t want to get him pregnant – they come out the other end – much to my, or whoever is walking him’s (Ben) surprise. I’m over the initial shock now and am marginally impressed at how many he gets down himself – really – he has a nose for them)
  • Eye Glasses (handmade – completely wrecked them – the little bugger)
  • Wooden spoon
  • More pants
  • Mooncup (don’t know? – don’t ask)
  • Box of tampons (just gave each one a little chew – enough to put them ‘out of order’)
  • Fold up backpack
  • Pants
  • Plastic wrapped gone-off sashimi from behind the bin outside the fishmongers (managed to get that off him leaving me smelling like gone off sashimi – vom)

Addendum – Just dropped Barley off to Kat’s house for the holidays – her parents suggest I put this post up as a disclaimer…

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